Todays blog post is the topic of losing a parent. I have been "a mum without a mum" for almost 2 years (where did that time go!!) so thought I would write up a post to offer advice or just a little insight into what I have dealt with.
Me and my mum had a strange relationship. She wasnt the best mum but wasnt the worst. She had various mental health issues that she never addressed and really did not like me. I was the one to blame for all her bad times even if I wasnt there when they happened. I would get the beatings and rough words because she "couldnt deal with me" I wasnt a devil child, just a normal child who's mum couldnt cope on her own for many reasons.
I have a younger half brother who is 5 years younger then me, who was the golden child. If you watch Bates Motel, she was Norma and he was Norman. Very close, sometimes concerning as remarked by social workers and she would baby him for years.
I lost contact with her in 2011 when I was heavily pregnant with my first child and didnt see her again until 2015.
One day I was in my local town, in Wilko and saw her in the paint aisle. I said hello and had a little chat. At that point I was still pregnant with the baby we went onto miscarry. That was in January 2015. I didnt see her again until the summer.
She seemed interested in keeping in contact but in September she had an accident and sadly died. She had epilepsy and due to a very stressful home life with my brother who was mean and demanding to her, she was stressed and ill alot in the run up to her death. She fell down the stairs one night and never woke up. She was on life support to help her breath and once that was taken away at 3am, it took another 12 or so hours for her heart to stop. I had a mad rush to Southmead Hospital who were amazing. I live in wiltshire so had to take children via bus to their grandparents. Then get a train then a 45min bus to the hospital, so I was on the go 8am-1pm travelling. It wasnt nice when I saw her. She looked empty with her breathing tubes and hospital gown. I had seem her in hospital unconscious so many times before due to her epilepsy but this was different. Her brain had too much swelling so she wasnt going to wake up. I left to go home around 4pm and a few days later I was back to visit her in the Chapel of Rest. I had my amazing uncle with me, who has been like a mother/father in one amazing role. When I saw her, it wasnt her. She was in a lovely white full length nightgown and had freshly washed and dried hair. I could just sense she wasnt there and she had really gone. Its a very weird feeling seeing someone who has died. You know the person but its not them. The soul and what makes them that person has gone and there is just an empty shell. I left after just a few minutes and went on to make the funeral arrangements. Now im a young, stay at home mum to two at this point. I had no money to my name so I was in a rush to have her accounts signed over to me so her estate could pay for her very basic cremation. I remember a lovely lady in her bank pushing me to tears refusing to listen that I had all the documents I needed and I had to have them at least sign a promise to pay ASAP or the cremation was cancelled. An emergency loan from the kids dad solved that stress until all the paperwork was sorted at her banks.
The funeral was vary basic. Cremation and 3 songs. The Carpenters which were have favourites. Me and the kids dad were the only people to attend as my brother refused and no other family could make it. I always think how sad this was that she only had two people attend.
Now it is almost 2 years past and I have a beautiful urn with her ashes in and a lovely scatter tube for if I ever choose to scatter some of her ashes. Im not sure if I ever will but the option is there. I do sometimes talk to "her" and have a chate about life. In July 2016 I welcomed a baby girl, who was conceived when mum passed. To me she is my gift from mum.Mum said I would have another and I should have a girl and she was right. I am still so sad she hasnt been able to meet her grand daughter but Im sure a part of her is inside my girl x
Sunday, 2 April 2017
Friday, 10 February 2017
Teething Baby=Tired Mummy
Ahh Teething...
there isnt many things that stress me out as much as this does. My poor, poor Gemma is suffering. She is 8 months old on the 13th and she has yet to cut any teeth. However the amount of crying and biting she is doing is telling me she may do soon.
Currently she wakes at 1am and cries..and cries... until she has a massive blob of Bonjella coated along her gums which takes a minute or two to soothe her sore gums. Then she wakes up around 4am for another coating of teething gel and a bottle plus a nappy change. This is all done by a mummy looking like she is about to topple over and slip into a coma! Bare in mind I have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old to keep alive also.
The early days of falling asleep while feeding her in the early hours feel real again at this point. She isnt so good with her solid food either. The teething is making her only want hard finger foods, which she doesnt eat a huge amount of either so I think that is why she is suddenly wanting a bottle of milk at 4am.
I cant wait to finally see a little white toothy in my babies mouth but I have a feeling its going to tak a while to come through. In the mean time, Il be giving her lots of finger food to try and help cut her teeth and slathering on the teething gel!
there isnt many things that stress me out as much as this does. My poor, poor Gemma is suffering. She is 8 months old on the 13th and she has yet to cut any teeth. However the amount of crying and biting she is doing is telling me she may do soon.
Currently she wakes at 1am and cries..and cries... until she has a massive blob of Bonjella coated along her gums which takes a minute or two to soothe her sore gums. Then she wakes up around 4am for another coating of teething gel and a bottle plus a nappy change. This is all done by a mummy looking like she is about to topple over and slip into a coma! Bare in mind I have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old to keep alive also.
The early days of falling asleep while feeding her in the early hours feel real again at this point. She isnt so good with her solid food either. The teething is making her only want hard finger foods, which she doesnt eat a huge amount of either so I think that is why she is suddenly wanting a bottle of milk at 4am.
I cant wait to finally see a little white toothy in my babies mouth but I have a feeling its going to tak a while to come through. In the mean time, Il be giving her lots of finger food to try and help cut her teeth and slathering on the teething gel!
Wednesday, 8 February 2017
Slimming world?
Well I am at 14st 4lbs and still 4st to go. Im going to give good old healthy eating via Slimming World a go. I find when I think of calories I get too bogged down with the numbers, then it leads to binging or at least eating badly! So... Slimming world...
Im a member of so many Facebook groups ( Slimmingworld (done from home) is one I frequent the most!) Im on day 2 and find it ok. I just worry I eat too much! However, when I mentally jot down in my head how many rough calories I am intaking, It is always a good normal amount for weightloss (1400-1800 for me, being an active mum to three!)
The main idea with SW (internet speak for slimming world, dont cha know?) is lots of lean meats, potatoes, vegetables, fruit and grains (pasta, rice, cous cous, lentils) plus SYNS. Short for SYNERGY, a vital part of the plan to help you not feel deprived. Say a curly wurly chocolate bar, a nice chewy toffee bar which is great at sticking your jaw together *great for the diet eh?!
is only 6 syns. You have 5-15 syns to use a day on sweet treats, crisps, sauces for meals or any less then healthy additions to your daily meals. Say you want some extra ketchup on you plate, 15g is around 1-2syns, Gravy granules 10g is 2syns (im using the brands I use for examples so syn values may be different!)
You then have "healthy extras" Healthy extra A is your dairy, so milk or cheese. Different types of milk and cheese are limited to different measurements so do check first. Then you have Healthy extra B. This is your fibre, so good for your tummy and digestion. So wholemeal bread, cereals, porridge oats and some low calorie cereal bars are included here, again for weighed amounts which you will have to check. Amazing lists of the different healthy extras, syns and "free foods" are found via simple google searches.
I am in awe of these amazing ladies on youtube and facebook/instagram who have succeeded at slimming world and have hit target weights. They really show how the plan can work. I have seen so many people (men and women) who lose 4st+ so I can easily do this. I just need to stay motivated! I need to set a good exampled and go for this 100%. I will post a weekly food diary from next week, so it will be up in 2 weeks time and I will post any weightlosses here also.
Good luck to anyone else going along this road x
Im a member of so many Facebook groups ( Slimmingworld (done from home) is one I frequent the most!) Im on day 2 and find it ok. I just worry I eat too much! However, when I mentally jot down in my head how many rough calories I am intaking, It is always a good normal amount for weightloss (1400-1800 for me, being an active mum to three!)
The main idea with SW (internet speak for slimming world, dont cha know?) is lots of lean meats, potatoes, vegetables, fruit and grains (pasta, rice, cous cous, lentils) plus SYNS. Short for SYNERGY, a vital part of the plan to help you not feel deprived. Say a curly wurly chocolate bar, a nice chewy toffee bar which is great at sticking your jaw together *great for the diet eh?!
is only 6 syns. You have 5-15 syns to use a day on sweet treats, crisps, sauces for meals or any less then healthy additions to your daily meals. Say you want some extra ketchup on you plate, 15g is around 1-2syns, Gravy granules 10g is 2syns (im using the brands I use for examples so syn values may be different!)
You then have "healthy extras" Healthy extra A is your dairy, so milk or cheese. Different types of milk and cheese are limited to different measurements so do check first. Then you have Healthy extra B. This is your fibre, so good for your tummy and digestion. So wholemeal bread, cereals, porridge oats and some low calorie cereal bars are included here, again for weighed amounts which you will have to check. Amazing lists of the different healthy extras, syns and "free foods" are found via simple google searches.
I am in awe of these amazing ladies on youtube and facebook/instagram who have succeeded at slimming world and have hit target weights. They really show how the plan can work. I have seen so many people (men and women) who lose 4st+ so I can easily do this. I just need to stay motivated! I need to set a good exampled and go for this 100%. I will post a weekly food diary from next week, so it will be up in 2 weeks time and I will post any weightlosses here also.
Good luck to anyone else going along this road x
Sunday, 15 January 2017
Tv Review:Haters Back Off!
I found the netflix show "haters back off" and decided to give it a shot. Im not a huge follower or Miranda Sings/Colleen Ballinger but I have seen some of her videos and find her and her act funny. So I thought this should be good. I found it a sort of "The Office" style of tv show. Cringy in parts but also made you feel for Miranda. I loved how she thought she was the best singer/actress/magician in the world when really she is far from it! Her mum Bethany tries to pander to Miranda and support her while also keeping hold of the reigns on Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim, I find uses Miranda as his way into the spotlight. Using his unanswered dreams to push Miranda into the spotlight with his amazing "5 stage plans"
Miranda, although she is loud, obnoxious and self absorbed, is very like-able in her sadder moments. The end of season scenes were a good example of this. Due to her ways and behaviour, Miranda lost her friends and family and was alone to see herself "go viral". Her biggest goal and there was no-one to witness it. It was a good series and one I will watch again, once season 2 is released and I cannot wait to see where she goes.
I will be pleased if all the characters return and pray Miranda and Patrick finally get together. I enjoyed seeing him pine after the oblivious Miranda!
Overall I found the series fun to watch. Cringy at times but with lots of laughs (lots of giggles behind hands while cringing!) I think the acting from all cast members was well done, and cannot wait to see more!
Miranda, although she is loud, obnoxious and self absorbed, is very like-able in her sadder moments. The end of season scenes were a good example of this. Due to her ways and behaviour, Miranda lost her friends and family and was alone to see herself "go viral". Her biggest goal and there was no-one to witness it. It was a good series and one I will watch again, once season 2 is released and I cannot wait to see where she goes.
I will be pleased if all the characters return and pray Miranda and Patrick finally get together. I enjoyed seeing him pine after the oblivious Miranda!
Overall I found the series fun to watch. Cringy at times but with lots of laughs (lots of giggles behind hands while cringing!) I think the acting from all cast members was well done, and cannot wait to see more!
Saturday, 12 November 2016
Review:Soap and Glory "Endless Glaove" Hand Cream
Oh my god! The BEST hand cream Iv ever used. Yes really! Being a mum to 3 young children with the endless washing of dishes and clothes, cleaning and general wear and tear, my hands need to be looked after. Right now its cold and dry out and my hands are starting to resemble sand paper. Nota good thing at all!
This cream can be used as a normal hand cream as and when you need it, but it can also be used as a hand "mask" by using a thicker amount and wearing some rather posh thin cotton gloves to bed. When you wake up your hands are like new. The product absorbs quickly and doesnt leave a greasy residue like some hand creams I have used in the past. So its easy to just slick a layer on and go about your day knowing your hands are moisturised and soft. In the winter months I suffer with dry and scaly hands, mainly the knuckles and fingers and this works wonders. Its also lasted me about 6 months and still plently in the tube for another 6 months of use.
The scent is the usual fresh but slightly powdery Soap and Glory hand cream scent. Nothing over powering or offensive and the cream itself isnt too thick nor too runny. Over all this is a perfect addition to anyone's skin care routine. I think it has been discontinued as its not on the boots or soap and glory website, so an amazon or ebay order might be needed to purchase this in 2016. Luckily I have enough left for now!
This cream can be used as a normal hand cream as and when you need it, but it can also be used as a hand "mask" by using a thicker amount and wearing some rather posh thin cotton gloves to bed. When you wake up your hands are like new. The product absorbs quickly and doesnt leave a greasy residue like some hand creams I have used in the past. So its easy to just slick a layer on and go about your day knowing your hands are moisturised and soft. In the winter months I suffer with dry and scaly hands, mainly the knuckles and fingers and this works wonders. Its also lasted me about 6 months and still plently in the tube for another 6 months of use.
The scent is the usual fresh but slightly powdery Soap and Glory hand cream scent. Nothing over powering or offensive and the cream itself isnt too thick nor too runny. Over all this is a perfect addition to anyone's skin care routine. I think it has been discontinued as its not on the boots or soap and glory website, so an amazon or ebay order might be needed to purchase this in 2016. Luckily I have enough left for now!
Friday, 11 November 2016
Pregnancy and birth story for my 3rd child 13th June 2016
I found out I was pregnant with my third child and fifth pregnancy in October 2015, just after my mums funeral. Bittersweet but much wanted!
I brought myself a doppler which was an amazing help before my first scan at 12 weeks. I found the baby's heartbeat at around 9 weeks and I felt so relieved! To hear the healthy thump of a heartbeat after suffering two miscarriages was amazing.
I had sickness as usual and tiredness like never before. I felt so drained and only gained 18lbs with my pregnancy which I lost the week I gave birth. The first scan came and I had to go alone as my older boys were sick so I waited, terrified incase there was an issue. There thankfully was no problems with baby and I went home with some lovely scan pictures.
I paid for a private 17 weeks scan to find out baby's gender and I was shocked to find out she was a girl. I never expected a girl after 2 boys so I was in tears! Off I went to buy lots of pink and girly things!
20 weeks scan all was fine, a very healthy baby girl (still a girl!) and at 28 weeks I had a gestational diabetes check which was horrible. I had to fast for 24 hours then drink some thick oily liquid and go back for repeat bloods 2 hours later. Once it was done I ate some lunch and was sick for the rest of the day. Not a nice experience but my bmi was 33 so high and needing a GD test during pregnancy.
Results all clear and pregnancy continued nicely.
I got to the 39 week mark (longest pregnancy so far, 1st was 38wks 3days and 2nd was 38wks 6days) I felt like my vagina was about to fall out on the school run (nice!) and had to be driven home. Fell asleep from 9:30-12:30 and felt funny. I was watching Loose Women on ITV and felt twinges every 10 mins. Just mild period pain aches and back/hip ache. Waddled round Lidl and then picked kids up from school and nursery, Kids dad took them to his parents just in case anything happened later on so I relaxed and ate crisps on the sofa watching The Chase. Pains were still there every 10mins so off I went for a bath around 5:30pm. That made things worse! Pain got more intense but still in hips and back every 10mins.
Phoned midwife around 7pm and she said to come in, so off I went and got there about 9pm. Midwife was amazing and had my mums name (Diane)
She examined me and said I was 2-3cm and she didnt think I was contracting "properly" as it wasnt felt in my bump, just my back and hips. She said we could go home around 9:30pm but we stayed as things ramped up quickly. I needed gas and air around 10pm and we thought the birthing pool would be needed soon. While waiting for the pool to fill up, I got more intense contraction with only 3-5mins between them and gas and air wasnt really cutting it now. Midwife still not sure I was going to have a baby that night but I got into the pool just before 11pm.
She left the room for a while which to me felt like an hour! We called her back in around 11:15pm and she realised I needed her to stay! While having painful contraction, she wanted me to face her and prop myself so she could see if baby was close or if my waters were bulging (they hadnt broken yet) and trying to balance so she cold see with her mirror while in the middle of a contraction was hell for me!
11:58pm Gemma was born in her water sac (which midwife broke and pulled away from her face as she came out) She was 7lb 15oz and my biggest baby. She looked so tiny and new and I couldnt believe it was over! I had to stay til I could give a urine sample (which took til 3am!) then we got home at 5am and had around 2 hours broken sleep. I woke up with a massive jump and shock thinking "wheres the baby!?) when she was in her cot fast asleep at one point during that little sleep.
I couldnt believe she was finally here and I still look at her now and cant believe she is MY little girl x
I brought myself a doppler which was an amazing help before my first scan at 12 weeks. I found the baby's heartbeat at around 9 weeks and I felt so relieved! To hear the healthy thump of a heartbeat after suffering two miscarriages was amazing.
I had sickness as usual and tiredness like never before. I felt so drained and only gained 18lbs with my pregnancy which I lost the week I gave birth. The first scan came and I had to go alone as my older boys were sick so I waited, terrified incase there was an issue. There thankfully was no problems with baby and I went home with some lovely scan pictures.
I paid for a private 17 weeks scan to find out baby's gender and I was shocked to find out she was a girl. I never expected a girl after 2 boys so I was in tears! Off I went to buy lots of pink and girly things!
20 weeks scan all was fine, a very healthy baby girl (still a girl!) and at 28 weeks I had a gestational diabetes check which was horrible. I had to fast for 24 hours then drink some thick oily liquid and go back for repeat bloods 2 hours later. Once it was done I ate some lunch and was sick for the rest of the day. Not a nice experience but my bmi was 33 so high and needing a GD test during pregnancy.
Results all clear and pregnancy continued nicely.
I got to the 39 week mark (longest pregnancy so far, 1st was 38wks 3days and 2nd was 38wks 6days) I felt like my vagina was about to fall out on the school run (nice!) and had to be driven home. Fell asleep from 9:30-12:30 and felt funny. I was watching Loose Women on ITV and felt twinges every 10 mins. Just mild period pain aches and back/hip ache. Waddled round Lidl and then picked kids up from school and nursery, Kids dad took them to his parents just in case anything happened later on so I relaxed and ate crisps on the sofa watching The Chase. Pains were still there every 10mins so off I went for a bath around 5:30pm. That made things worse! Pain got more intense but still in hips and back every 10mins.
Phoned midwife around 7pm and she said to come in, so off I went and got there about 9pm. Midwife was amazing and had my mums name (Diane)
She examined me and said I was 2-3cm and she didnt think I was contracting "properly" as it wasnt felt in my bump, just my back and hips. She said we could go home around 9:30pm but we stayed as things ramped up quickly. I needed gas and air around 10pm and we thought the birthing pool would be needed soon. While waiting for the pool to fill up, I got more intense contraction with only 3-5mins between them and gas and air wasnt really cutting it now. Midwife still not sure I was going to have a baby that night but I got into the pool just before 11pm.
She left the room for a while which to me felt like an hour! We called her back in around 11:15pm and she realised I needed her to stay! While having painful contraction, she wanted me to face her and prop myself so she could see if baby was close or if my waters were bulging (they hadnt broken yet) and trying to balance so she cold see with her mirror while in the middle of a contraction was hell for me!
11:58pm Gemma was born in her water sac (which midwife broke and pulled away from her face as she came out) She was 7lb 15oz and my biggest baby. She looked so tiny and new and I couldnt believe it was over! I had to stay til I could give a urine sample (which took til 3am!) then we got home at 5am and had around 2 hours broken sleep. I woke up with a massive jump and shock thinking "wheres the baby!?) when she was in her cot fast asleep at one point during that little sleep.
I couldnt believe she was finally here and I still look at her now and cant believe she is MY little girl x
Thursday, 10 November 2016
tough 2015 - amazing 2016
Hello long time no speak! Im going to try to update here more often now. Well where to start.....
I have a beautiful little rainbow baby name Gemma Rose. She was born June 13th 2016 and after 2 miscarriages, she is my miracle. I had a tough 2015. I had a surgery to remove an 8cm ovarian cyst in July 2015 then in September 2015 my mum passed away. She was 51yrs old and had a fall after suffering an epileptic seizure and I was left to organize her cremation alone. Thankfully, the kids dad was here to help me out in that time. I found out I was pregnant in October so just after mum's funeral, and it felt like a gift from her.
I will post a pregnancy/birth story later on so look out for that!
Im still in my social rent home which is rapidly getting crowded! 3 children in an open plan 2 bed terrace is a tight fit at times but I make it work. I will probably have to move away from my town to find a bigger home to exchange with, however I feel torn with the children. I dont want to move their school but if it means we have a bigger family home than thats what I will have to do. I would rather win the lottery and have a Zoella style blog/youtube career but I doubt that will happen lol! In that vein I also thinking of filming some youtube videos and being more prominent on social media and see where it goes. To make an income from blogging/vlogging would be amazing but I know thats very very hard to achieve. My blog and youtube will feature reviews on products, tv, film, shopping hauls and my views on different subjects. I need to get a little camera tripod for my phone (I cant pay out for any fancy camera's at the moment so my trusty mobile will have to do!)
My oldest who is 5 and a half now is in Yr 1 at school, my second is 4 and in nursery and starting school in september and baby is trying to crawl at 5 months old! She is also a champ eater and formula drinker! (8oz every 3 hours - 6 times a day plus 2 solid meals!)
Well thats about it for an update of my year, not alot happened but I will be back!
I have a beautiful little rainbow baby name Gemma Rose. She was born June 13th 2016 and after 2 miscarriages, she is my miracle. I had a tough 2015. I had a surgery to remove an 8cm ovarian cyst in July 2015 then in September 2015 my mum passed away. She was 51yrs old and had a fall after suffering an epileptic seizure and I was left to organize her cremation alone. Thankfully, the kids dad was here to help me out in that time. I found out I was pregnant in October so just after mum's funeral, and it felt like a gift from her.
I will post a pregnancy/birth story later on so look out for that!
Im still in my social rent home which is rapidly getting crowded! 3 children in an open plan 2 bed terrace is a tight fit at times but I make it work. I will probably have to move away from my town to find a bigger home to exchange with, however I feel torn with the children. I dont want to move their school but if it means we have a bigger family home than thats what I will have to do. I would rather win the lottery and have a Zoella style blog/youtube career but I doubt that will happen lol! In that vein I also thinking of filming some youtube videos and being more prominent on social media and see where it goes. To make an income from blogging/vlogging would be amazing but I know thats very very hard to achieve. My blog and youtube will feature reviews on products, tv, film, shopping hauls and my views on different subjects. I need to get a little camera tripod for my phone (I cant pay out for any fancy camera's at the moment so my trusty mobile will have to do!)
My oldest who is 5 and a half now is in Yr 1 at school, my second is 4 and in nursery and starting school in september and baby is trying to crawl at 5 months old! She is also a champ eater and formula drinker! (8oz every 3 hours - 6 times a day plus 2 solid meals!)
Well thats about it for an update of my year, not alot happened but I will be back!
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