Loss - A mothers view

I found out I was pregnant just before December 2014. Amazing news as Id always wanted a third baby. Things went well, had abit of sickness, sore big boobs, extreme tiredness all the symptoms. But deep down I felt not quite right about the pregnancy. Something inside kept making me think something wasn't right. I couldn't imagine a newborn baby in my life and just couldn't see this baby in my head.
 2 days before my 12 weeks scan I woke up to discharge streaked with blood. Only a tiny amount but still it was blood, which to any pregnant woman screams "trouble".
I phoned my midwife who assured me it was ok and to ring back if I bled heavily. I was fine until 5pm when I felt a wetness and checked myself. Of course, theres was bright blood and some small clots. I knew then that was it. I phoned my midwife and was told it didn't look good and to go to a&e. Off we went to drop the kids off at their nannies house for the night. I was upset the whole hour long drive. Torturing myself by thinking this baby was never going to be like Leo or Jamie, never grow up and be a person. I was hysterical and my entire body broke. I got to a&e and did a urine test (came back positive for pregnancy and traces of blood)
The lovely Dr performed a heartbeat check even though I was only 12 weeks and most likely wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat anyway. After hearing nothing and hearing my symptoms he said it was most likely a miscarriage. I hate that word so much. I can only refer to this as a "loss" Miscarriage seems too harsh a word,
 We had our scan the next day and no baby was there. Just an empty sac measuring 12 weeks. So the pregnancy failed at some point early on but everything else kept growing and producing the pregnancy hormones. Bodies can be so cruel.
 After that scan I passed a lot of blood and tissue. Now they said it would be a heavy period bleed. No.. just no. I wish they had told me the truth.
TMI.....
It was bright blood with big chunks of jelly like tissue. It honestly felt like when the babies head comes out in labour. I was having contractions and found it so hard. I honestly felt like I was going to pass out and almost called an ambulance. I got hot and blurry eyed, I couldnt see properly and felt extremely weak.  Once that big piece of tissue passed, I had some more contractions but felt better. I had a terrible nights sleep, tossing and turning then the next day had another scan. I still had some tissue left in my cervix but that passed in the evening. Again with the force and pain of labour.
I have a scan tomorrow to check all is gone from my body but I know it has. I have light bleeding now and no pain at all. I do still want another baby but now for a while. I have other goals to achieve and things I need to sort out in my life first.
I have a feeling that baby was another boy and it was my baby, no matter when it passed from me. It was due 8th August 2015 and Im dreading that time. I have a friend due the same week and I know that will be a hugely tough time for me.
Thank you to anyone reading. I just had to write this down somewhere x

well Hello!!

Well Hello there! I found you again. Im going to try try try to update this blog more.
Im in need of a new camera and my plan is to film some Vlogs/videos soonish. Life is ok, Jamie was born October 2012 and both he and Leo are well. Im saving for various things (decorating mainly!!) but will be treating myself soon to some pamper products!  Also will be posting a personal blog post soon on a tough subject but I will do it. Iv had a hard time these last few weeks so it will help to explain x