Todays blog post is the topic of losing a parent. I have been "a mum without a mum" for almost 2 years (where did that time go!!) so thought I would write up a post to offer advice or just a little insight into what I have dealt with.
Me and my mum had a strange relationship. She wasnt the best mum but wasnt the worst. She had various mental health issues that she never addressed and really did not like me. I was the one to blame for all her bad times even if I wasnt there when they happened. I would get the beatings and rough words because she "couldnt deal with me" I wasnt a devil child, just a normal child who's mum couldnt cope on her own for many reasons.
I have a younger half brother who is 5 years younger then me, who was the golden child. If you watch Bates Motel, she was Norma and he was Norman. Very close, sometimes concerning as remarked by social workers and she would baby him for years.
I lost contact with her in 2011 when I was heavily pregnant with my first child and didnt see her again until 2015.
One day I was in my local town, in Wilko and saw her in the paint aisle. I said hello and had a little chat. At that point I was still pregnant with the baby we went onto miscarry. That was in January 2015. I didnt see her again until the summer.
She seemed interested in keeping in contact but in September she had an accident and sadly died. She had epilepsy and due to a very stressful home life with my brother who was mean and demanding to her, she was stressed and ill alot in the run up to her death. She fell down the stairs one night and never woke up. She was on life support to help her breath and once that was taken away at 3am, it took another 12 or so hours for her heart to stop. I had a mad rush to Southmead Hospital who were amazing. I live in wiltshire so had to take children via bus to their grandparents. Then get a train then a 45min bus to the hospital, so I was on the go 8am-1pm travelling. It wasnt nice when I saw her. She looked empty with her breathing tubes and hospital gown. I had seem her in hospital unconscious so many times before due to her epilepsy but this was different. Her brain had too much swelling so she wasnt going to wake up. I left to go home around 4pm and a few days later I was back to visit her in the Chapel of Rest. I had my amazing uncle with me, who has been like a mother/father in one amazing role. When I saw her, it wasnt her. She was in a lovely white full length nightgown and had freshly washed and dried hair. I could just sense she wasnt there and she had really gone. Its a very weird feeling seeing someone who has died. You know the person but its not them. The soul and what makes them that person has gone and there is just an empty shell. I left after just a few minutes and went on to make the funeral arrangements. Now im a young, stay at home mum to two at this point. I had no money to my name so I was in a rush to have her accounts signed over to me so her estate could pay for her very basic cremation. I remember a lovely lady in her bank pushing me to tears refusing to listen that I had all the documents I needed and I had to have them at least sign a promise to pay ASAP or the cremation was cancelled. An emergency loan from the kids dad solved that stress until all the paperwork was sorted at her banks.
The funeral was vary basic. Cremation and 3 songs. The Carpenters which were have favourites. Me and the kids dad were the only people to attend as my brother refused and no other family could make it. I always think how sad this was that she only had two people attend.
Now it is almost 2 years past and I have a beautiful urn with her ashes in and a lovely scatter tube for if I ever choose to scatter some of her ashes. Im not sure if I ever will but the option is there. I do sometimes talk to "her" and have a chate about life. In July 2016 I welcomed a baby girl, who was conceived when mum passed. To me she is my gift from mum.Mum said I would have another and I should have a girl and she was right. I am still so sad she hasnt been able to meet her grand daughter but Im sure a part of her is inside my girl x
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